Oh look! It's not a recipe!

Where have I been?

Well cooking obviously... and actively avoiding life for various reasons.

1. Going through some shit that involved bills and finances (solved)
2. November/December is the year anniversary of some bad memories.
3. Always have a hard time around the holidaze so I've been (again) actively trying to stay out of Bi-Polar Depression mode. (so far successful)
4. The weather has been downright ridiculous around here in Phoenix so my fibro is screaming at me. This brings fatigue ... lots of fatigue.

Speaking of weather... SERIOUSLY??
It was 32 this morning when I woke up. Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah, I KNOW that's not cold compared to *here* or *there* but this is Phoenix. I'm acclimated to 95+ and honestly no matter where in the country I have lived (and it's been quite a few places) 32 has ALWAYS been cold to me. If you're honestly tired of listening to me complain (mostly on Facebook) that it's cold then I'll stop but I swear to God I don't want to hear a BLOODY word in the summer from you whiners.

Are you ready for Christmas? I AM... I have been since almost August. I mean I have a few things to buy still but I have KNOWN what I was doing since August. I started way early this year because it was planned rather early on for my Mom/Dad/Sister and her family to all come out here for Christmas and I wanted to spend the last 2 weeks preparing for that, not running around like a chicken shopping .. ya know?
I AM really excited though.

This month brings the end of 2011. It started off as one of the worst years of my life (the last 3 years have been contending for number 1). It's ending up to be ... ok maybe not one of the best but better off than I have been the last few so I'm not going to complain. I still have a LOT of CRAP to work through in my head but I'm getting there. :)
I've been able to see my entire family this year, including my brother whom I hadn't seen in SIX years. That was great.
I've been able to finally work on things with Gary without past behaviors looming in the dark corners just putting a damper on anything we've tried to do in the past. It's felt real, it's felt nice. I love him.

And that's all I've got to say about that! /Forrest Gump

p.s. I just saw that my template has somehow messed up and so I'll be fixing it/looking for a new one later. :)

Is it over yet?

It's been a really rough month. In the middle of working my ass off on my marriage (Gary is too) and making sure my friends are ok I've lost track of ME. I saw my shrink today and I had to tell him for the first time in a while that I'm NOT ok. My moods are a complete mess. I can go from bitchy to crying to happy in a matter of 15 minutes. I'm responding to situations in a fashion I wouldn't normally respond. (Crying about things that aren't sad, mad about things that wouldn't normally make me mad). My bipolar feels out of control. I told Gary last night that I feel like a stretched out rubberband, just waiting to snap. All that being said, Dr. Bisla went through my meds and he said that I've been on the same doses for about 3 years now and maybe between that and the fact that my life IS complicated right now I could use a few changes. He upped my Lamictal by 100mg. He said that SHOULD do the trick. I really hope it does. Having a little more control over my emotions would be great. But, it's kinda why I've been avoiding phone calls and visiting people because I never know what's going to set me off and I don't want to take it out on any one that I really care for. It's also why I really haven't posted.

Over all though, it has been a good week or two. Busy weeks but the weekends are nice.
Saturday (the 28th) I picked up Melia and Riley and we headed over to Sandra's house so that Melia could take her family pictures. (I sneaked a peek and they are awesome!) Sandra has such a gorgeous family and Melia is a fantastic photographer.
Also, I've known Melia about 8 years and Sandra for about 4 years and I have NO pictures (good ones anyway) of me and Melia or me and Sandra so I got my wish AND they turned out really great!!! I can't wait to print them out and use the new frame I got with these pictures in mind.
After the pictures we went and grabbed Gary from home. Gary, Melia, Riley and I went out to get ice cream from ColdStone and then headed back to their side of town to take them home.
Sunday was a day of relaxation and since it was Memorial Day Monday was as well.

This week was hectic. I told Gary today that it's been the LONGEST 4 day work week ever. Every day seems to be dragging by and that has a lot to do with my emotions and how busy I've been.
I have a nice weekend planned though so I'm really looking forward to that.

Enough rambling from me for now (which is a side effect of out of control emotions). I love you guys and if the weekend goes as planned you'll hear all about it on Monday.

(Me and Sandra)

(Me and Melia)

(Melia, Me and Sandra)

I'm peeking my head out.

I've been on my new dose of Abilify for about a week now and I'm noticing a H.U.G.E. difference. I'm not on edge, wanting to kill people and irritated at the world. I don't feel like sleeping all day or doing absolutely nothing. I'm still not 100% yet but I'd give it a good 90%. :)

This is a weird week though schedule wise. Gary worked nights on Monday, Days on Tuesday, Nights on Wednesday, Days on Thursday and Nights on Friday and he has weekend duty Saturday and Sunday but hopefully won't have to go in. This is reeking havoc on my sleep schedule and Quagmire is confused as hell but whatever, at least he is home and like not deployed or anything. :)

I see Diabetes Dr. on Thursday morning - had blood work done and she wants to go over it with me.. and probably change my meds all around because she loves to do that for some reason... whatevs.

I actually got cards in the mail TODAY. Things wont be late this year! (Yeah, you have about a day to get your Mother's Day cards in the mail so they're not late!)

I just tracked the e-cigs I ordered and they SHOULD be here tomorrow.

My tomato and my cherry tomato plants are blooming all over the place and I have about 10 cherries growing and one tomato growing.

And this post of random thoughts is pretty much how my brain has been working all week on this new dosage. It will settle down soon... can't wait.

quack

Ok, I'm back from appointment 2 with this new therapist and I won't be going back. I go in feeling just fine and leave SO PISSED OFF I'm ready to kill people. The "issues" I'm having are with Gary so it makes sense that we handle it in our marriage therapy... why our therapist thinks I need to see my own is beyond me and I'm just going to flat out tell her on Tuesday when we go back that personal therapy isn't working, isn't necessary and isn't going to happen. If she doesn't like it well tough luck and maybe I'll stop going to her as well.

that's that.

All is well in Rachel Land

I wasn't going to post anything about this until I was sure that I had it under control which I do now.
The last month or so have been hell. I've been really really really down...way down in the dumps. I have absolutely no interest in doing anything that I normally like to do. I went to see my psychiatrist yesterday and he upped my Abilify a little bit. I haven't had my meds adjusted in a few years so I guess it was about time. Hopefully within the next few days I'll be feeling better again.
I see a new therapist today. I saw her once a few weeks ago, cancelled last weeks appt. (because Gary was on leave and I didn't feel like going) and so I'm going in today. She annoyed me for the most part, asking your basic quintessential stupid therapist questions. There wasn't really a "click" and I don't spill my guts if there is no "click". We'll see, but I'm not holding my breath. heh