Is it over yet?

It's been a really rough month. In the middle of working my ass off on my marriage (Gary is too) and making sure my friends are ok I've lost track of ME. I saw my shrink today and I had to tell him for the first time in a while that I'm NOT ok. My moods are a complete mess. I can go from bitchy to crying to happy in a matter of 15 minutes. I'm responding to situations in a fashion I wouldn't normally respond. (Crying about things that aren't sad, mad about things that wouldn't normally make me mad). My bipolar feels out of control. I told Gary last night that I feel like a stretched out rubberband, just waiting to snap. All that being said, Dr. Bisla went through my meds and he said that I've been on the same doses for about 3 years now and maybe between that and the fact that my life IS complicated right now I could use a few changes. He upped my Lamictal by 100mg. He said that SHOULD do the trick. I really hope it does. Having a little more control over my emotions would be great. But, it's kinda why I've been avoiding phone calls and visiting people because I never know what's going to set me off and I don't want to take it out on any one that I really care for. It's also why I really haven't posted.

Over all though, it has been a good week or two. Busy weeks but the weekends are nice.
Saturday (the 28th) I picked up Melia and Riley and we headed over to Sandra's house so that Melia could take her family pictures. (I sneaked a peek and they are awesome!) Sandra has such a gorgeous family and Melia is a fantastic photographer.
Also, I've known Melia about 8 years and Sandra for about 4 years and I have NO pictures (good ones anyway) of me and Melia or me and Sandra so I got my wish AND they turned out really great!!! I can't wait to print them out and use the new frame I got with these pictures in mind.
After the pictures we went and grabbed Gary from home. Gary, Melia, Riley and I went out to get ice cream from ColdStone and then headed back to their side of town to take them home.
Sunday was a day of relaxation and since it was Memorial Day Monday was as well.

This week was hectic. I told Gary today that it's been the LONGEST 4 day work week ever. Every day seems to be dragging by and that has a lot to do with my emotions and how busy I've been.
I have a nice weekend planned though so I'm really looking forward to that.

Enough rambling from me for now (which is a side effect of out of control emotions). I love you guys and if the weekend goes as planned you'll hear all about it on Monday.

(Me and Sandra)

(Me and Melia)

(Melia, Me and Sandra)

You know dear...

Oh lookie, I have some more red baby tomatoes. That's enough to make half a salad... now if they'd start growing in with maybe oh 10 to 20 red ones at a time I'd be happier. Stupid gardens.

I haven't been up to much of anything. Just hanging low keeping to my own business and trying to keep my marriage from falling apart.

Two weeks ago we had marriage therapy. When we were leaving I asked the girl at the front desk to cancel my personal therapy appointments. It just wasn't working out with that lady and I didn't want to try again. A week later I get a call from the same girl telling me I had missed my 2:30 appt with Dr. So and So that day. I said, LAST WEEK I told you that I cancelled all my appointments with her. And on that note if I had this so called appointment today why didn't anyone call my house to verify this like you guys are supposed to. She had nothing to say so I said very clearly "Please cancel all of my personal therapy appointments that are on the schedule".
So we get there today at 2:30 for our marriage therapy. We're filling out a questionnaire we have to fill out every time we go in and she comes scampering out of the back and says "you know when you had me cancel your appointments..." I cut her off and said "Let me guess, you cancelled this one too".... and she said yes so I started to crumple up the questionnaire and she says no no no I can still get you in and I say when because I don't have all day and neither does Gary. So I uncrumple and keep filling it out. Meanwhile she disappears and out comes the doctor who's been my personal therapist for a few times and she said that Airman so and so is very sorry and feels horrible but that we can reschedule and I'm like Um.. she said she could fit us in and she said no.. your doctor just stepped in with some other people... ok first of I'm already pissed off at Gary before we even get here... I'm even MORE pissed off at Gary because of some of his answers and now I'm FURIOUS with this stupid IDIOT they have running this office. So I recrumple the paper and walk the eff out of there. Gary stays behind to reschedule. NOT UNTIL JUNE 14th CAN THEY SEE US.. hopefully I haven't left him by then.
I started a journal the week after I found out he had cheated on me last August. EVERYTHING I predicted would happen over the next few months after has HAPPENED.
I gave him a 3 month ultimatum 1.5 months ago. Maybe my vacation to visit my baby sister in Hawaii won't be a vacation but a moving in. We'll see.

Right now I'm too furious for anymore words than this.

quack

Ok, I'm back from appointment 2 with this new therapist and I won't be going back. I go in feeling just fine and leave SO PISSED OFF I'm ready to kill people. The "issues" I'm having are with Gary so it makes sense that we handle it in our marriage therapy... why our therapist thinks I need to see my own is beyond me and I'm just going to flat out tell her on Tuesday when we go back that personal therapy isn't working, isn't necessary and isn't going to happen. If she doesn't like it well tough luck and maybe I'll stop going to her as well.

that's that.

All is well in Rachel Land

I wasn't going to post anything about this until I was sure that I had it under control which I do now.
The last month or so have been hell. I've been really really really down...way down in the dumps. I have absolutely no interest in doing anything that I normally like to do. I went to see my psychiatrist yesterday and he upped my Abilify a little bit. I haven't had my meds adjusted in a few years so I guess it was about time. Hopefully within the next few days I'll be feeling better again.
I see a new therapist today. I saw her once a few weeks ago, cancelled last weeks appt. (because Gary was on leave and I didn't feel like going) and so I'm going in today. She annoyed me for the most part, asking your basic quintessential stupid therapist questions. There wasn't really a "click" and I don't spill my guts if there is no "click". We'll see, but I'm not holding my breath. heh

Not so shiny and happy...

I should probably call my shrink tomorrow and set up an appointment. He needs to take a look at my meds and probably make some adjustments. I've been in a huge depression lately and can't seem to shake it. I don't want to talk about it and I don't want to "hang out" to " get my mind off of things". It might work for your [insert random name here] but it doesn't work for me so don't ask.
I don't feel like getting dressed and making an effort to look nice for Gary. He doesn't notice anyway. He sure notices when I "let myself go" but when I make an effort (which I've done almost every day since Aug. 4th 2009) .. nothing.. unless we're headed out on a date and it's the obligatory thing to say.
I don't even feel like cooking. His "girlfriend" was a chef so I just feel.. inadequate.

Yes, inadequate. That about sums up exactly how I feel right now. Is this shit supposed to end anytime soon? 8 months and I still feel like absolute crap. Is it my job to make things better? I'm not the one who crapped on my self-confidence and emotions in the first place... why do I have to be the one who cleans it up?